Should married men have platonic friendships?

Should married men have platonic friendships?

Dear Bunmi,

I RECENTLY discovered my husband had been ‘talking’ with another woman behind my back for almost two years. I felt totally shocked that I didn’t know this woman and that he’d never mentioned her to me. I obviously assumed they were having a sexual relationship. So I confronted him and he denied it, saying they were friends but he didn’t want to tell me about their friendship because he didn’t think I would understand.

I felt lied to and betrayed – if he had nothing to hide, why not say something?


It hurts to know that he’s been keeping this a secret from me and I don’t see how I can ever trust him again. I did get in touch with the woman in question and she assured me that their relationship wasn’t sexual and that she is happy with her partner. She even said she doesn’t know why my husband wasn’t open about their friendship.

Instead of being sorry and wanting to make it up with me, he just seems angry that I’ve ruined this friendship for him. To make things worse, his friends and parents don’t believe he’s done anything wrong and think I’m the one who’s being unreasonable.

Do you think I am?



 Dear Mobola,

Your husband might think he’s done nothing wrong because his friendship with this woman wasn’t sexual, but he obviously went to some lengths to keep it secret from you and I think that’s wrong. You have to decide whether you can put it behind you and move on. Being with someone you don’t feel you can trust is a really horrible way to live your life.

Several times, I’ve counselled readers who don’t trust their husband to drive out to buy petrol without phoning or calling on someone on the way. For them, the trust could be really gone if proper counselling is not soughtt. Hanging with him because of love doesn’t assure you’ll live your life not being paranoid and insecure. If you decide to try to make your marriage work, you must let your husband understand why it is important for you to trust him. Callling in relatives to intervene doesn’t really cut it. You need to gain each other’s trust by agreeing on boundries, but you can’t keep on throwing it in his face. If you do, you’ll never be able to move past it.


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